Alone With TJ

The first week went off just as badly as I thought it would. TJ had decided to be one of those babies that just cries all the time for no reason. "Colic". The only thing that would stop him from crying would be for me to walk around holding him. I was not supposed to be doing this, but I really had no choice- it was either walk, or go insane from listening to a constantly screaming baby. This caused me to form severe adhesions, which still bother me, eleven years later.

Sometime during the second week, a visiting nurse came to see how I was doing. She examined my incision, and told me it was infected on one side, but it seemed superficial. She asked me when was the last time I'd had a shower was. I honestly couldn't remember. She told me I needed one every day, and wrote up a "prescription". Someone else would have to hold TJ so that I could start taking care of myself, too. She asked how I was feeling. I said that I was ok. She gave me a look like she didn't believe a word of what I'd said, and I just burst into tears.
I had severe PPD & PTSD. She couldn't give me anything for it, but she promised to check in on me next week, which she did. I didn't really "feel" any better, but I was learning to be a good actress.

When my mom's vacation time started, she was horrified to find that I wasn't kidding- TJ really did cry non-stop all day unless he was held & walked. She'd never dealt with a baby like him before. Even after four children of her own, she was not prepared for this. He actually made her cry. "When I told you that I wish you'd have a child just like you, I didn't mean for him to be worse", she sobbed. She took him at about 5 am one morning, so that maybe I could go back to sleep. The funny thing was, I couldn't. I was already so used to having him with me & fussing, that sleep just wasn't happening.

That was petty much my life until I went back to school in the fall for my Senior year. I only took a few classes (art, sculpture, and darkroom photography), and I was supposed to be homeschooling for the rest, which I didn't do. My mother changed her work schedule so that she could be home all day with me & TJ. I pumped for when TJ would need to be fed and I had class. Going to school was like a vacation for me. I was only doing the things I wanted to do, and I got to have a bit of breathing time, away from the stress of caring for TJ and his colic. I went back to work part-time in the evening, against D-Bag's wishes. The ownership and management of the store I worked at changed over, but I tried to stay on anyway.

The whole year previously, my grandfather had been bedridden, and on oxygen. He had lung cancer, emphysema, and two kinds of hepatitis- one from an "encounter" when he was in the Navy, stationed in Japan, and the other type from a blood transfusion during some oral surgery in the 70's. He was not doing well, and for the longest time, my grandma refused to tell him I was pregnant. She thought it would be the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. When he was finally told, this was not the case. He was so thrilled to be able to meet one of his great-grandchildren. He hung on until Thanksgiving morning, when he finally passed away.

I went to work after my 3 day vacation, to tell the manager that my grandpa had passed away, and I needed a little more time (to attend the funeral and other things) before I came back to work. She then told me that they didn't need me to come back. I was fired. Whaaaaat? I begged for my job, but she said there would be no negotiation. They didn't need me, or "my kind", working for them. What the hell did that mean?

The new owner had found out that I had a baby out of wedlock. The new owner did not condone this, and thus, I was fired. This was a huge what the fuck? moment in my life, and the first time I'd encountered bigotry. They made up something so that I could not collect unemployment. Anyone who's ever tried to collect unemployment when the employer states that you broke a policy, even if you didn't, knows exactly how this went down. There's nothing you can do about it, essentially. And their allegations were rather serious, and I'm not going to get into it. It was my word against theirs, I had no legal proof that they'd fired me because I had a child, and that they were discriminating against me. I was unable to get another job for two years, because of what they'd done to me.